Ember (Feeling Grief)

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“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”
–Vicki Harrison

Long after he was gone, she sat there staring far into the void he had left behind. The house that overflowed with laughter seemed silent and dark. Her tears dried halfway before they would fall into her lap. Time seemed to stand still into the living room, by the fireside.

It had been years, since she had felt pain so deep no words could ever fill. No embrace could wrap it in. Or any liquid to drown her in. It felt raw and real. Even after crying her heart mind soul out loud, the pain never seemed to pass. It felt as if all of the pain she had ever felt before, came gushing by with this tipping point.

She realised she never really grieved any of the deaths prior to this. Grief so deep, it occupied her in untouched corners, refusing to leave until it was felt deeply and in its true raw essence.

Every relationship that left her, or the places she walked past, away from or cities she left behind. The ending of a beautiful book, or the hollow a beautiful movie would end behind. It was all showing up, not one at a time. But all at once. She almost fainted of exhaustion due to crying so hard. Everyone told her time would heal her pain, yet nothing seemed right.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.”
-Washington Irving

Years passed by, and the ember inside her heart lay dormant. It’d spark each time a she met a blow hitting hard. Of all the things that she tried to heal, grieving was something that was left for time to heal. Time did pass for sure, but eventually every once in a while it returned unannounced. New hurts travelled deep through the crevices the older ones left behind, when buried deep alive. Like the dormant volcano continuing to burn, bubble and glow.

Often the lid would be taken off at the slightest of tremors, and she’d blow it off at wrong places at wrong people. She loved deep and hard, yet she never let herself hurt so bad. She had it all under control. Or so she felt. She feared being vulnerable. Vulnerable to break down. I have been this girl.

Afraid to break down in a room full of people, for it is not just the sad things that makes me cry, but event anger, terror as also happiness and joy. I am a highly sensitive person, and spent a lifetime thinking it was my only vice. Turns out, I was wrong, and it had always been my virtue. A virtue I really am proud of now.

Looking past all the burns, flames and misfortune, I feel I have waded through so many things to burn off so many of my impurities, like the ones stuck into an ore. Only to walk out purer with the real mantle remaining within. I feel I have felt emotions so strong and so deep, I have learnt to communicate better with others as with myself. It all made me the person who I am now. And if ever asked, I’d never change a thing of whatever happened to me.

I realise how romantic a thought it feels to undergo troubles and rise strong, but I can feel it to my bones when someone is authentically saying things. Even through a written word. I consider it to be a good thing now, for I have often known things way before they really happened in broad day light. The grieving was mainly for the naive self that I chose to be, in all the times when I was warned before I could see. I was warned over and over again. Yet I chose to trust. And I shall always choose to. Until it feels good in my heart.

With every stroke, my heart cracked open a little bit each time. Until I feel open and quite receptive to the love that has been searching for me. In this beautiful endeavour to seek the love of my dreams, I realise the intensity of heartbreaks on the way there. I do feel grateful for the lessons, yet I cannot dismiss the hurt and agony I feel on the way. I can feel in the heart of my hearts, that I am Divinely loved and cared for, yet I feel how the fuming rage within me desires to erupt and blow off.

The anger and rage that I feel has always been a cap for the deep hurts. Those that have started to cool off one by one, and life how Mother Earth calms and cools the Lava within her belly, I feel it all subsiding eventually. I feel the strength and courage as I allow myself stabilize through times of change. I feel guided by my inner compass to the right direction for me, meeting and greeting everyone and everything on the way. Understanding in situations where I need to bounce back. I feel my anger has finally started dissipating, and I feel truly grateful for each one who hurt me, broke my heart or left my life. Thank you for not loving me, for I learnt to love myself all the more dearly.

“Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life’s search for love and wisdom.”
~Rumi

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