Secrets of Self-Love

Posted July 11, 2023

I am a psychologist and working in this field since 12 years now. I always believed that we need to give priority to ourself and love, respect and value oneself. For me all these things meant pampering oneself by having our favourite meal, going out on a vacation, spending on clothes, shoes, jewelry, going to salons and also making your own identity by doing the work you are truly passionate about. I wasn’t surprised when I understood that most of the world has this idea of self-love.

I was doing all this and yet I wasn’t happy. That’s what made me thinking, ‘What am I not looking at? Why I am still not happy? In spite of having a loving husband, daughter, supportive family and friends why do I still feel something is missing.’ That’s when my mind started to look for the missing piece. I have always believed that when you truly want something the universe answers to your needs. And trust me, my answer came in a most unexpected way.

I casually happened to call one of my friends who is also a therapist, to simply catch up with her and she told me about the workshop she was going to conduct in few days. The workshop was on Heal your life. Something inside me said that I need to be there and attend the workshop. Maybe my questions will be answered there. So as universe had planned, I enrolled for it and attended the workshop. That workshop actually helped me to understand what truly is self-love and how all these years I have just superficially understood and implemented self-care but not self-love.

What is self-love?

Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others. Self-love means not settling for less than you deserve.

Now how many of us truly know what we deserve? How many of us actually tell ourself “I love you”?

How many of us appreciate ourself when we look good or have achieved something? How many of us immediately criticize ourself when we do some mistakes or don’t match up to our own or others’ expectations? Are we able to easily forgive ourselves?

It’s only after the workshop that I understood the relevance of all these questions and found answers to them. I came across this amazing person, Louise Hay, who has written a book called “Heal Your Life”, which completely changed my life. She beautifully explains that how, by loving ourself, we can heal anything. Here, loving actually means unconditionally accepting oneself with all our flaws and negations, just the way we would love our children. Forgiving ourself just the way we forgive our kids. Pampering and being there for ourself when we feel low, sad, angry, guilty, helpless, etc. just the way we are there for our loved ones.

How do you develop self-love?

The book and the workshop helped me understand how do we work on it. It is our belief system that makes us think and act in a certain way. It was astonishing for me to know that most of our beliefs are formed till we are 7 years of age. The way our parents think and the way we see how the society works, helps us to form our beliefs. It’s like an iceberg. Our reactions are nothing but the tip of the iceberg. We try to work on that tip constantly without understanding the base foundation of it. So, to change our life in the way we desire we actually need to work on our beliefs system which forms the base of iceberg. If we are able to do that our reactions would automatically change.

For e.g., what are our beliefs when it comes to money? Some people think we should save more, some think we should spend when we can. Some people think money doesn’t come easy and for some money was always there. Same way, how we look at life at large? Do we believe that we deserve all good things only if we work hard? Remember when we were kids our parents would give us rewards if we were able to bring A grade in our academics or if we achieved something or behaved well. That formed our beliefs about deservability. Today if we get anything easily our heart starts doubting it. We just can’t accept it or we become too insecure about it. Now if you have no idea about your belief that was formed during childhood, your reactions won’t change and after a limit it would become hard for you to even imagine that you deserve to have more.

Now do we blame our parents or other authority figures who would have been responsible for the beliefs we have today? Of course not. They only gave us what they had. How can they give us something that they themselves don’t have. This is called victims of victim theory. Our parents were victims of their belief system which they passed on to us. But now when we understand that those beliefs are no more helping us, do we still hold on to them? Just the way we don’t dig into yesterday’s garbage to make tonight’s meal, same way we don’t have to dig into old mental garbage to create tomorrow’s experience. If a thought or a belief doesn’t serve you, let it go. Nothing good can come when we hold on to our past. To create a better present and a bright future, we need to let go of our past.

What are the signs of self-love?

You Listen to Your Body.

You Enjoy Feeling Strong Emotions. …

You Have a Strong Sense of Purpose. …

You Know Your Strengths & Weaknesses. …

You Know Exactly What You Like and Aren’t Afraid to Ask for It. …

You Celebrate Your Success.

You Know Your Boundaries

You Accept and Acknowledge Yourself just the way you are …

You are in sync with your words and actions

Your looks don’t define who you are…

When you do all these, what level of peace and happiness do you truly create for yourself?